Staff Rating

1.50/5

User Rating

1/5

Conan - Revengeance

Copstabber Dave   (15 reviews)

Posted: 02/11/2016 | Comments: 25 | Rate:

Just because it is slow and it makes me want to kill myself doesn't mean that it is doom metal. Go fuck yourself, Conan. Also I am generally hard to get to appreciate and enjoy that old Lord of the Dungeons and Dragons World of Warcraft Wizard sleeve Magic 30 sided dice bullshit and this is the musical equivalent. Frankly I was close to just pulling a paragraph out of The Hobbit and using that as a nonsense review of this weak ass powerless power metal album but I felt like you, the readers, deserved better than that. You have grown accustomed to a certain level of specificity in my reviews and I cannot deny you. Also I wasn't sure that would be funny to anyone but me. So this album stinks. This album would be Game of Thrones if it was made by the Sci Fi channel instead of HBO. It is motherfucking Lord of The Rings movies as directed by Eddie Murphy. In other words....don't waste your time with this. There is insanely heavy doom metal out there...and there are dumb wizardy nerds in gladiator costumes making better music than this. This.....is none of the things it advertises itself as.


OK...I wrote that yesterday...it's a new day. The sun has risen praise the lord. I was salty as fuck yesterday and I apologize to all of you and to Conan for my little outburst. I'm feeling better today. I will say that unfortunately not much of what I said yesterday is inaccurate. This album still stinks on ice. The Vocals are really what destroy the whole record. Vey unimpressive vocals. The motherfucker sounds like he is singing with his pansy ass down in a cave and that doesn't translate to how cool this dummy thought it would. If you are going to call your motherfucking band Conan you better come at me with some fucking stremph. Not this guy...he feels comfortable ripping off the name of an awesome barbarian conqueror while sounding like the bitch that Buffalo Bill had in the pit in his basement in Silence of the Lambs. So based on that alone this album is a failure. I shit on the overall musicality a little bit yesterday and while I think that I was still right there too....I will concede that the guitars are not "bad" they are just lazy and boring. But upon further review over night and listening to it at higher and higher volume, I got to where I made peace with the guitars. But me and the drummer need to have a talk. I just wanted to make sure you were OK. Are you depressed? Are you having suicidal thoughts or something, dogg? I mean...there are people you can talk to and beat this depression and start trying again. It isn't too late. And if it is that you are on drugs or something...I don't know...there is help out there for that too, or you can try some different mixtures or something...work some amphetamines into your regimen....that always worked for making me happy and energetic...but whatever it is that is causing you to make no effort it needs to get worked out. I want to fire you and I'm not even in this band, yo. Bottom line is, I think there is too much wrong with this project to revive it. I wish you all success and happiness that has seemed to elude you all in life so far. I hope you learn to sing and drum with some motherfucking gusto. But please just don't do this to us anymore. We don't deserve it. It isn't fair to us.


Readers...if I haven't made myself clear...I'm saying you can find a lot of better more interesting music to be the soundtrack for your quest to return magical amulets to fucking snow elves or whatever the fuck this shit is supposed to be made for. Do that. This album will make you feel like that kids horse in the Neverending Story.

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Comments
Pulp Free
52,034 Posts
34/M/PA
A lot of people dig this band/album. This review should result in some fun responses.
new cocks
141,814 Posts
32/M/IL
someone show this to schnell
Got Leak?
64 Posts
38/M/MD
If other people are digging it, then that's good for Conan, and I'm not afraid to be "wrong" or argued with...there's a flavor for every taste. And this was definitely not mine.
Pulp Free
52,034 Posts
34/M/PA
oh I don't give a shit. I like when people buck the system.
old man
564 Posts
48/M/VA
Just listened to the track that is posted here and I have to agree with the reviewer. It is pretty bad, although I don't "hate" it , I would not buy it nor would I pay to see them live. If they were on a show I went to I would definitely be outside during their set.
Probe Baby Zole
1,460 Posts
M/NA
Gay album. Gay review.

I loved the last one but this one is complete garbage.
Got Leak?
64 Posts
38/M/MD
Thank you for your opinion, fruitcake.
Probe Baby Zole
1,460 Posts
M/NA
I meant the album. Not the review. The review was gay. (I am also gay)
cubic time cube
51,388 Posts
41/F/ND
Originally posted by: Klaxton

(I am also gay)

Got Leak?
64 Posts
38/M/MD
I knew you were talking about the album. And the review. And I called you fruitcake because your name is the name of a fruitcake company
Probe Baby Zole
1,460 Posts
M/NA
Klaxton fruitcakes?
Got Leak?
64 Posts
38/M/MD
Yeah
Got Leak?
64 Posts
38/M/MD
But with a C
Probe Baby Zole
1,460 Posts
M/NA
Lol cool P.S. nuke the earth
Got Leak?
64 Posts
38/M/MD
That is the kinda hate I can get behind...unlike all this epic warlock bullshit on this terrible album (refocusing the conversation off of seasonal baked goods)

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