the onion had to up their game when real life started stealing their headlines, they have risen to the task
NORWICH, CT—Saying he might very well be the one, area woman Bethany Han told reporters Friday that she could imagine spending her whole life in uncomfortable silence with the man she was currently on a first date with. “I know we just met, but there’s something about Bill that makes me feel like I could awkwardly sit with him in total quiet for the rest of my days, only intermittently making eye contact as we both wait for the other person to speak,” said Han, adding that she could easily envision herself anxiously passing the time at his side without any communication whatsoever until they were both old and grey. “Occasionally uttering a small comment to break the excruciating tension just feels so natural with him. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but from the moment I laid eyes on Bill, I sensed that he could be the man I have nothing at all to say to, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” At press time, after several minutes more of unbearable wordlessness, Han was fully prepared to marry her date that very night.